so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
