I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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