I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
