so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
