I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
