I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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