I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
