i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
