i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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