I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
