i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
