I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
