Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
