I'm so fucking centered right now
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
