you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
