hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
