he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
