I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
