Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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