I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
