Just fell off a train. Bad.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
