yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
