Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
