cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
