Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
