Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
