wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i will never coherently bang her
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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