My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Green mimosas i think yes
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
