i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
