so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
