my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
