Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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