what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
