I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I want a musical about memes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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