Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
