soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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