TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
