i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
