It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
