Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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