you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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