for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
