Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
