I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
