It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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