omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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