Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
