Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
