whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
