the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
