Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
