You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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